Day of Worship

Today was our campus wide Day of Worship. Classes were cancelled and we had a beautiful three hour chapel. It came at such a good time, such a time when I needed it most. I so often get caught up with the stress and frustrations of deadlines and exams and papers, work and friends and studying...but lately that hasn't even really been my biggest frustration. My heart has been so restless, so blind. Every day I ask the Lord to show me Himself in a new way, to see His mercies that are new every morning. Every day I cry for Him to show me a little bit more of Himself, and then get frustrated because I feel like He doesn't. Every day I feel like I'm in a game of hide and seek with Jesus. When I'm "hiding" Jesus runs finds me and shows me how sweet He is and how rich His love is, but then almost immediately it's like He says, "Okay, now that I've found you, you have to come find Me." So often I'm just running around in circles trying to figure out what Jesus wants from me, because I must be doing something wrong if I can't see or hear Him. I must be doing something wrong if I can't mourn over my sin and see how wicked I am. I must be doing something wrong if every time I'm in His Word, I can't see His sweetness and immense love. I must be doing something wrong if every time I begin to cry out to Him, I get frustrated because I have no idea what to say and I feel like He's not doing anything to comfort me. I must be doing something wrong if I'm more tired when I'm "on the right track" than when I'm not...

Today was a sweet reminder to be still. Amidst the frustrations, amidst the uncertainty and unknowingness of my human self. As we watched clips from The Passion of the Christ, I realized that I had forgotten that Jesus loves me SO MUCH. I had forgotten that! I knew it in my head, but I had forgotten it in my heart. I had forgotten who He is. Who He was, who He is, who He will be forever.  

"Lord, help me, for I am often lukewarm and chill; unbelief mars my confidence and sin makes me forget Thee...Grant me to know that I truly live only when I live to Thee, that all else is trifling."    -The Valley of Vision