October

I sit here typing this from my twice-as-big-than-last-year dorm room, and I look to my right and see out my window a perfect picture for a brochure-the vibrant orange, red, and yellow leaves of fall dusting the ground, kids walking to class but not without stopping to laugh and chat with professors on the way. I look to my left and see the door that leads to 37 girls that I’ve been given. Thirty-seven girls to live with, to laugh with, to giggle and stampede down the hall and have dance parties and break quiet hours with. Thirty-seven lives to learn from, to show Christ to, to love, to discipline, to disciple…I look straight ahead and see the “home” that my dear roommate and I pieced together. Behind me, there is Chemistry homework, books to read for midterms, paperwork to fill out, an agenda FILLED with one-on-ones, meetings, and due dates, and a bag to pack for a cluster trip. But at my side, my Bible is opened to Luke 10:41 where it reads, “But the Lord answered her, "Courtney, Courtney, (okay, not really, but go with me) you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her."

“Rock of Ages, when in want or rest // My desperate need for such a Savior I confess // So pull these idols out from my heart embrace // Rock of Ages, I need Your grace.”

I miss my Gracies...

So I feel that I’ve successfully avoided updating for a significant amount of time. It’s amazing I haven’t gotten kicked out of the blog posse. :) Okay, it’s been about three weeks---three unbelievably long, uneventful weeks since I’ve been home. It’s been great to be home with the fam and spend time with them and get home-cooked meals every night and do sporadic little things with CarrieAnn and Daniel. It has not been fun, however, going into town every day for five hours from restaurant to store to shop and hear “No, I’m sorry” over and over and over and put in applications and never hear back from people. It’s then when I start to wonder what God meant when He said He will provide. Not necessarily doubting that He will, just wondering if we chose to interpret that our own way when He meant it another.
Not having a schedule and a list of things to do every day has been uncomfortably frustrating. I waste so much time it’s sick and I’m always thinking about how much I wish I were other places. It’s really frustrating because I feel so ungrateful and selfish, especially when I know that I am so blessed in where I’m at compared to so many of my friends from school. So, once again, I'm learning what it means to be grateful. :)
On another note, I feel like I need to stop reading books about famous Christians like George Muller or John Newton or Amy Carmichael because A) it makes me feel like a terrible Christian, B) it makes me feel like I need to be a slave trader or something equally as bad (like a complacent college student, maybe? Heh.) for God to change my life around, and C) it seems like I’m missing or just not getting something about what the Christian life is. I don’t know if that made sense. Oh well.
And lastly, I don’t know about you, but tonight’s episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 was one of the saddest, most frustrating things I’ve ever seen. That’s all!

Winona Lake is home.

I start feeling nauseous every time I start thinking about Thursday. I’ve been waking up in a panic several times every night since Friday night. I can’t concentrate on studying for finals because my heart is so anxious. Every time I see people moving out, I want to shove them and their color-coded boxes back in their rooms. Every time I listen to “Ungodly Hour” by The Fray, my insides sink and weigh about 10 pounds more. I’m going "home" for three and a half months, and then I’ll be back. I’ve moved nine times in my life, across the country, across the ocean, and it’s never been this hard.

I've got the black lung

I’m so thankful….

-for projected stormy days that turn out to be full of sunshine and blue skies

-for the complete restoration of bruised relationships

-for dried apples

-for my wonderful co and her sweet picture taking abilities (I can’t take credit for this one)

-that God uses things like illnesses to continue to show us that we need Him

-that my voice is gone so I can listen more :)

-for so many uncertainties all at once so I have to trust Him

-for days that I only have the strength to sleep and read the Living Word

-that God doesn’t give us everything we want

-that God is still good even when I question His goodness.

-that struggling means perfecting

-for His mercies that are new and great every morning. Great is His faithfulness!

In My Love, Be Lifted High

These past couple of weeks I’ve been really convicted about how much sarcasm dominates my humor. Maybe I’m just now noticing it because I’m not around my friends that I probably caught it from anymore, maybe I’m noticing it more and more because I’ve been praying and asking God to show me where I am un-Christ like, or maybe my humor has just always been like this. I suppose I never thought it was bad because it was always clever and around people that would join in and laugh with me, and if I ever really hurt someone, I could just tack on my favorite “Oh, I’m sorry, I was just kidding” phrase and all would be forgiven. So this morning during chapel, we were singing the bridge to “Came to the Rescue” by Hillsong over and over and over. Seriously, we must have sung it at least 10 times. But it was so powerful because it got louder and stronger and more sincere each time, so by the tenth time, you’re seeing people yelling and pumping their fists and praying, “In my life, be lifted high! In our world, be lifted high! In our love, be lifted high!”  And I stopped singing because I realized that my Lord is not lifted high in my humor, He is not lifted high in my homework, He is not lifted high in my attitude. He must be high. He demands to be lifted high.

“Like a madman who throws firebrands, arrows, and death is the man who deceives his neighbor and says, “I am only joking!’”  -Proverbs 26:18-19

“Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.”  –Proverbs 19:14

“See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness.”  -Hebrews 3:12-13

Speechless

    Have I mentioned lately that I absolutely love the awakening of spring? All week, (yes even the day we got treacherous downpours of rain) I’ve felt anticipation building up within me, like something in me knows that something big and wonderful is about to happen. The promise of new life, of something so exciting it’s making my bones dance! Even now, we’re going through a cold spell, but as I look out the window, spring is coming! The birds are flying around and singing, the grass is getting greener, the contrast of the bright blue sky and little red berries on the trees is so charming…

    I was talking with my growth group leader and RD last week about how I really feel like my life couldn’t possibly be in a better place than it is now. I go to a college that I absolutely love, I have the most wonderful, godly, encouraging, loving friends that I get to call my brothers and sisters, I get to be an RA of the best hall on campus with the best RD, co, and cluster that I could ask for, I have the BEST family in world with such amazing godly parents that love me so much…I’ve been so blessed with a church family here at school that truly shows what the Body of Christ is supposed to look like, I have the amazing privilege of choosing a leadership team for my hall next year…and oh, those are just the big things that God has been lavishing on me in the past couple of weeks!  It seems like every day I’ve been so overwhelmed with God’s goodness that I seriously don’t know how to handle it!

"And I am speechless, I'm astonished and amazed 
I am silenced by Your wondrous grace 
You have saved me 
You have raised me from the grave 
And I am speechless in Your presence now 
I'm astounded as I consider how 
You have shown us 
A love that leaves us speechless!"

Old school music I know, but it's just been running through my head over and over lately. :)

Well isn't life just a bowl of cantaloupe!

Well I’ve finally gotten to the downward slope of the mountain of assignments, exams, books, papers, and all the other fun things that come with my hundred thousand dollar education. Midterms are this week, but thankfully I only have seven…haha just kidding, I just have ONE! So with the lymphatic system out of the way, I finally have some time to write about everything that the Lord has been doing, and my my, has He been up to some stuff! First, I would like to express my excitement that SPRING IS COMING! Ever so slowly…but it is! The weather is starting to get really crazy, it was 70 degrees a couple of days ago, but today it’s a chilly 33 degrees. I’m just thankful that the sun is up for a couple more hours every day and the walk to the mailroom isn’t too unbearable anymore. There have also been numerous spottings of robins flying about and I am often escorted to my psych class by their cheery morning songs. Mmm, I love those songs and how much they remind me of my Jesus’ new mercies every morning. In other news, I’m in one of those wonderful times when I feel so much like a child of God. (Don’t get me wrong, I do often, but there are just those times when it feels like He spoils me so much!) Allow me to explain. Anyone who is around me for more than five minutes will get to hear how much I love my school. I talk about it ALL the time and I believe my dear friend Elizabeth and I have concluded that “I love Grace College” is the sentence that comes out of my mouth the most. However, to make a long story short, there are a lot of frustrations that I have with the nursing program here. It got to be so frustrating that over Christmas break, I was talking to my parents about the possibility of transferring to another school after this year. It was something that I really didn’t want to do, but was considering. So anyway, I felt like I had these two options, and I didn’t really like either one of them. Oh man…I LOVE it when God has a third option up His sleeve the whole time. I get back to school, and there is this night when I am just stressed to the max. Those days rarely come, but when they do, I’m so thankful for them because they always bring me to my knees and to my Father’s feet. So I have all these things on my head and all these decisions to make, and I’m telling you, as soon as I said amen, Jesus began answering and opening doors. All this to say that Option C was more than perfect (of course!) and I get all four beautiful years here at Grace! Aaaaand that leads me to my next exciting piece of news! For some reason, God has put it in the minds of the Residence Life team that I would make a good RA for next year! WHAT?! I know, it’s ridiculous. It’s so funny, the very same week that I was sitting and eating a bowl of Reese’s Puffs telling Curtis every reason why I could NEVER be an RA was the same week that I found myself sitting in a room being interviewed by the 3 women RDs on campus to be an RA. Ha. God is CRAZY. I can’t WAIT for next year, to be in Indy Hall (The HOUSE, woo!), for my co and RD and I to grow so much closer together, to be so desperately dependent on God every day, to be challenged in a way I’ve never been before, to be a servant to thrity some girls…oh man. :) 

Oh, and on a side note, I'd much more fond of cantaloupe than cherries, thus the revision of the statement. :)