Under Construction

I've had a hard time trying to think of a word to describe time, especially large, recent chunks, because I feel like...how the heck am I supposed to describe the most constructive time of my life up to this point? With the awesome opportunity of being an RA to 37 girls and discipling one of them, changing my major (which has really had a lot more affect on me than one would think), and really just the transforming of my mind, things are just different. The way I think is different, the things I think about are different, my temper is different (slower, thank goodness)... It's hard to communicate that in response to the token end-of-the-semester "So how's college?" question (especially being at the Springs for break, that seems to be the default question among everybody). But I guess I'm learning that I don't have to tell people that, maybe they'll just see it. So, the past two months were definitely...constructive. I like and use that word because it makes me think of Philippians 1:6, "And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Christ Jesus." Immediately, this verse takes me back to summer of 2001 when it was our Camp Caleb verse and the theme was "Under Construction". Right after that, I think of the many conversations around this verse that Chee and I have had this semester. I remember the night that we realized what the verse was saying, that every day, until the day of Christ Jesus, we are being perfected, our faith is being purified, we are under construction...every day! Not just for 4 years at college, not just for one or two years as an RA, not just while we're in Argentina for a semester, every day! It just blew our minds that Christ chooses to work on us every day, until His return. Now, I understand that you may be waiting to hear something that you haven't heard before, but that's it. That, and this entire semester has been finally knowing things because God's grace is allowing me to experience them, not just hearing it a billion times every day. So that's a little update since October. Sorry, blog posse.

On another note, my reading list for break is pretty ambitious, especially since it doesn't include the multitude of books (I think) I'll be getting for Christmas. I usually look forward to break being a time when I don't have to read, but I guess the introvert coming out in me is excited for lots of time by myself reading books that I've been wanting to read all semester for as long as I want.

+ The Unlikely Disciple by Kevin Roose (almost done!)

+ Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper (working on it, but stopped to focus on the previous and because it was uncomfortably convicting. Full intentions of finishing it, though.)

+ Hearts of Fire by the Voice of Martyrs (again, working on it)

+ Pursuing the Christ by Jennifer Kennedy Dean (gift from my sweet mom for Advent)

+ The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning (given to me for Christmas by my fantastic RD/ARD.)

+ The Cross and the Switchblade by David Wilkerson (in pursuit of gripping the coming summer's challenge :))

+ Sacred Singleness by Leslie Ludy (to learn for Amber, but also for myself)

This break, I, with all joy anticipate my Savior's construction in my life through working at the Springs, time with friends, and following up with relationships at the restaurant. I do not doubt what He can do, but more than that, I hopefully await and pursue that construction.

On a side note, the other day in session, one of my PreKies prayed to open up class, and I loved his prayer so much that I copied it down so I wouldn't forget. "Jesus, I hope this lesson is going to be good, and Jesus, I hope that all the people that get here today are safe, and Jesus, I hope You're having fun making our homes. Amen." :)

October

I sit here typing this from my twice-as-big-than-last-year dorm room, and I look to my right and see out my window a perfect picture for a brochure-the vibrant orange, red, and yellow leaves of fall dusting the ground, kids walking to class but not without stopping to laugh and chat with professors on the way. I look to my left and see the door that leads to 37 girls that I’ve been given. Thirty-seven girls to live with, to laugh with, to giggle and stampede down the hall and have dance parties and break quiet hours with. Thirty-seven lives to learn from, to show Christ to, to love, to discipline, to disciple…I look straight ahead and see the “home” that my dear roommate and I pieced together. Behind me, there is Chemistry homework, books to read for midterms, paperwork to fill out, an agenda FILLED with one-on-ones, meetings, and due dates, and a bag to pack for a cluster trip. But at my side, my Bible is opened to Luke 10:41 where it reads, “But the Lord answered her, "Courtney, Courtney, (okay, not really, but go with me) you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her."

“Rock of Ages, when in want or rest // My desperate need for such a Savior I confess // So pull these idols out from my heart embrace // Rock of Ages, I need Your grace.”

I miss my Gracies...

So I feel that I’ve successfully avoided updating for a significant amount of time. It’s amazing I haven’t gotten kicked out of the blog posse. :) Okay, it’s been about three weeks---three unbelievably long, uneventful weeks since I’ve been home. It’s been great to be home with the fam and spend time with them and get home-cooked meals every night and do sporadic little things with CarrieAnn and Daniel. It has not been fun, however, going into town every day for five hours from restaurant to store to shop and hear “No, I’m sorry” over and over and over and put in applications and never hear back from people. It’s then when I start to wonder what God meant when He said He will provide. Not necessarily doubting that He will, just wondering if we chose to interpret that our own way when He meant it another.
Not having a schedule and a list of things to do every day has been uncomfortably frustrating. I waste so much time it’s sick and I’m always thinking about how much I wish I were other places. It’s really frustrating because I feel so ungrateful and selfish, especially when I know that I am so blessed in where I’m at compared to so many of my friends from school. So, once again, I'm learning what it means to be grateful. :)
On another note, I feel like I need to stop reading books about famous Christians like George Muller or John Newton or Amy Carmichael because A) it makes me feel like a terrible Christian, B) it makes me feel like I need to be a slave trader or something equally as bad (like a complacent college student, maybe? Heh.) for God to change my life around, and C) it seems like I’m missing or just not getting something about what the Christian life is. I don’t know if that made sense. Oh well.
And lastly, I don’t know about you, but tonight’s episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 was one of the saddest, most frustrating things I’ve ever seen. That’s all!

Winona Lake is home.

I start feeling nauseous every time I start thinking about Thursday. I’ve been waking up in a panic several times every night since Friday night. I can’t concentrate on studying for finals because my heart is so anxious. Every time I see people moving out, I want to shove them and their color-coded boxes back in their rooms. Every time I listen to “Ungodly Hour” by The Fray, my insides sink and weigh about 10 pounds more. I’m going "home" for three and a half months, and then I’ll be back. I’ve moved nine times in my life, across the country, across the ocean, and it’s never been this hard.

I've got the black lung

I’m so thankful….

-for projected stormy days that turn out to be full of sunshine and blue skies

-for the complete restoration of bruised relationships

-for dried apples

-for my wonderful co and her sweet picture taking abilities (I can’t take credit for this one)

-that God uses things like illnesses to continue to show us that we need Him

-that my voice is gone so I can listen more :)

-for so many uncertainties all at once so I have to trust Him

-for days that I only have the strength to sleep and read the Living Word

-that God doesn’t give us everything we want

-that God is still good even when I question His goodness.

-that struggling means perfecting

-for His mercies that are new and great every morning. Great is His faithfulness!

In My Love, Be Lifted High

These past couple of weeks I’ve been really convicted about how much sarcasm dominates my humor. Maybe I’m just now noticing it because I’m not around my friends that I probably caught it from anymore, maybe I’m noticing it more and more because I’ve been praying and asking God to show me where I am un-Christ like, or maybe my humor has just always been like this. I suppose I never thought it was bad because it was always clever and around people that would join in and laugh with me, and if I ever really hurt someone, I could just tack on my favorite “Oh, I’m sorry, I was just kidding” phrase and all would be forgiven. So this morning during chapel, we were singing the bridge to “Came to the Rescue” by Hillsong over and over and over. Seriously, we must have sung it at least 10 times. But it was so powerful because it got louder and stronger and more sincere each time, so by the tenth time, you’re seeing people yelling and pumping their fists and praying, “In my life, be lifted high! In our world, be lifted high! In our love, be lifted high!”  And I stopped singing because I realized that my Lord is not lifted high in my humor, He is not lifted high in my homework, He is not lifted high in my attitude. He must be high. He demands to be lifted high.

“Like a madman who throws firebrands, arrows, and death is the man who deceives his neighbor and says, “I am only joking!’”  -Proverbs 26:18-19

“Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.”  –Proverbs 19:14

“See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness.”  -Hebrews 3:12-13

Speechless

    Have I mentioned lately that I absolutely love the awakening of spring? All week, (yes even the day we got treacherous downpours of rain) I’ve felt anticipation building up within me, like something in me knows that something big and wonderful is about to happen. The promise of new life, of something so exciting it’s making my bones dance! Even now, we’re going through a cold spell, but as I look out the window, spring is coming! The birds are flying around and singing, the grass is getting greener, the contrast of the bright blue sky and little red berries on the trees is so charming…

    I was talking with my growth group leader and RD last week about how I really feel like my life couldn’t possibly be in a better place than it is now. I go to a college that I absolutely love, I have the most wonderful, godly, encouraging, loving friends that I get to call my brothers and sisters, I get to be an RA of the best hall on campus with the best RD, co, and cluster that I could ask for, I have the BEST family in world with such amazing godly parents that love me so much…I’ve been so blessed with a church family here at school that truly shows what the Body of Christ is supposed to look like, I have the amazing privilege of choosing a leadership team for my hall next year…and oh, those are just the big things that God has been lavishing on me in the past couple of weeks!  It seems like every day I’ve been so overwhelmed with God’s goodness that I seriously don’t know how to handle it!

"And I am speechless, I'm astonished and amazed 
I am silenced by Your wondrous grace 
You have saved me 
You have raised me from the grave 
And I am speechless in Your presence now 
I'm astounded as I consider how 
You have shown us 
A love that leaves us speechless!"

Old school music I know, but it's just been running through my head over and over lately. :)