Under Construction

I've had a hard time trying to think of a word to describe time, especially large, recent chunks, because I feel like...how the heck am I supposed to describe the most constructive time of my life up to this point? With the awesome opportunity of being an RA to 37 girls and discipling one of them, changing my major (which has really had a lot more affect on me than one would think), and really just the transforming of my mind, things are just different. The way I think is different, the things I think about are different, my temper is different (slower, thank goodness)... It's hard to communicate that in response to the token end-of-the-semester "So how's college?" question (especially being at the Springs for break, that seems to be the default question among everybody). But I guess I'm learning that I don't have to tell people that, maybe they'll just see it. So, the past two months were definitely...constructive. I like and use that word because it makes me think of Philippians 1:6, "And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Christ Jesus." Immediately, this verse takes me back to summer of 2001 when it was our Camp Caleb verse and the theme was "Under Construction". Right after that, I think of the many conversations around this verse that Chee and I have had this semester. I remember the night that we realized what the verse was saying, that every day, until the day of Christ Jesus, we are being perfected, our faith is being purified, we are under construction...every day! Not just for 4 years at college, not just for one or two years as an RA, not just while we're in Argentina for a semester, every day! It just blew our minds that Christ chooses to work on us every day, until His return. Now, I understand that you may be waiting to hear something that you haven't heard before, but that's it. That, and this entire semester has been finally knowing things because God's grace is allowing me to experience them, not just hearing it a billion times every day. So that's a little update since October. Sorry, blog posse.

On another note, my reading list for break is pretty ambitious, especially since it doesn't include the multitude of books (I think) I'll be getting for Christmas. I usually look forward to break being a time when I don't have to read, but I guess the introvert coming out in me is excited for lots of time by myself reading books that I've been wanting to read all semester for as long as I want.

+ The Unlikely Disciple by Kevin Roose (almost done!)

+ Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper (working on it, but stopped to focus on the previous and because it was uncomfortably convicting. Full intentions of finishing it, though.)

+ Hearts of Fire by the Voice of Martyrs (again, working on it)

+ Pursuing the Christ by Jennifer Kennedy Dean (gift from my sweet mom for Advent)

+ The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning (given to me for Christmas by my fantastic RD/ARD.)

+ The Cross and the Switchblade by David Wilkerson (in pursuit of gripping the coming summer's challenge :))

+ Sacred Singleness by Leslie Ludy (to learn for Amber, but also for myself)

This break, I, with all joy anticipate my Savior's construction in my life through working at the Springs, time with friends, and following up with relationships at the restaurant. I do not doubt what He can do, but more than that, I hopefully await and pursue that construction.

On a side note, the other day in session, one of my PreKies prayed to open up class, and I loved his prayer so much that I copied it down so I wouldn't forget. "Jesus, I hope this lesson is going to be good, and Jesus, I hope that all the people that get here today are safe, and Jesus, I hope You're having fun making our homes. Amen." :)

October

I sit here typing this from my twice-as-big-than-last-year dorm room, and I look to my right and see out my window a perfect picture for a brochure-the vibrant orange, red, and yellow leaves of fall dusting the ground, kids walking to class but not without stopping to laugh and chat with professors on the way. I look to my left and see the door that leads to 37 girls that I’ve been given. Thirty-seven girls to live with, to laugh with, to giggle and stampede down the hall and have dance parties and break quiet hours with. Thirty-seven lives to learn from, to show Christ to, to love, to discipline, to disciple…I look straight ahead and see the “home” that my dear roommate and I pieced together. Behind me, there is Chemistry homework, books to read for midterms, paperwork to fill out, an agenda FILLED with one-on-ones, meetings, and due dates, and a bag to pack for a cluster trip. But at my side, my Bible is opened to Luke 10:41 where it reads, “But the Lord answered her, "Courtney, Courtney, (okay, not really, but go with me) you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her."

“Rock of Ages, when in want or rest // My desperate need for such a Savior I confess // So pull these idols out from my heart embrace // Rock of Ages, I need Your grace.”

I miss my Gracies...

So I feel that I’ve successfully avoided updating for a significant amount of time. It’s amazing I haven’t gotten kicked out of the blog posse. :) Okay, it’s been about three weeks---three unbelievably long, uneventful weeks since I’ve been home. It’s been great to be home with the fam and spend time with them and get home-cooked meals every night and do sporadic little things with CarrieAnn and Daniel. It has not been fun, however, going into town every day for five hours from restaurant to store to shop and hear “No, I’m sorry” over and over and over and put in applications and never hear back from people. It’s then when I start to wonder what God meant when He said He will provide. Not necessarily doubting that He will, just wondering if we chose to interpret that our own way when He meant it another.
Not having a schedule and a list of things to do every day has been uncomfortably frustrating. I waste so much time it’s sick and I’m always thinking about how much I wish I were other places. It’s really frustrating because I feel so ungrateful and selfish, especially when I know that I am so blessed in where I’m at compared to so many of my friends from school. So, once again, I'm learning what it means to be grateful. :)
On another note, I feel like I need to stop reading books about famous Christians like George Muller or John Newton or Amy Carmichael because A) it makes me feel like a terrible Christian, B) it makes me feel like I need to be a slave trader or something equally as bad (like a complacent college student, maybe? Heh.) for God to change my life around, and C) it seems like I’m missing or just not getting something about what the Christian life is. I don’t know if that made sense. Oh well.
And lastly, I don’t know about you, but tonight’s episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 was one of the saddest, most frustrating things I’ve ever seen. That’s all!

Winona Lake is home.

I start feeling nauseous every time I start thinking about Thursday. I’ve been waking up in a panic several times every night since Friday night. I can’t concentrate on studying for finals because my heart is so anxious. Every time I see people moving out, I want to shove them and their color-coded boxes back in their rooms. Every time I listen to “Ungodly Hour” by The Fray, my insides sink and weigh about 10 pounds more. I’m going "home" for three and a half months, and then I’ll be back. I’ve moved nine times in my life, across the country, across the ocean, and it’s never been this hard.

I've got the black lung

I’m so thankful….

-for projected stormy days that turn out to be full of sunshine and blue skies

-for the complete restoration of bruised relationships

-for dried apples

-for my wonderful co and her sweet picture taking abilities (I can’t take credit for this one)

-that God uses things like illnesses to continue to show us that we need Him

-that my voice is gone so I can listen more :)

-for so many uncertainties all at once so I have to trust Him

-for days that I only have the strength to sleep and read the Living Word

-that God doesn’t give us everything we want

-that God is still good even when I question His goodness.

-that struggling means perfecting

-for His mercies that are new and great every morning. Great is His faithfulness!

In My Love, Be Lifted High

These past couple of weeks I’ve been really convicted about how much sarcasm dominates my humor. Maybe I’m just now noticing it because I’m not around my friends that I probably caught it from anymore, maybe I’m noticing it more and more because I’ve been praying and asking God to show me where I am un-Christ like, or maybe my humor has just always been like this. I suppose I never thought it was bad because it was always clever and around people that would join in and laugh with me, and if I ever really hurt someone, I could just tack on my favorite “Oh, I’m sorry, I was just kidding” phrase and all would be forgiven. So this morning during chapel, we were singing the bridge to “Came to the Rescue” by Hillsong over and over and over. Seriously, we must have sung it at least 10 times. But it was so powerful because it got louder and stronger and more sincere each time, so by the tenth time, you’re seeing people yelling and pumping their fists and praying, “In my life, be lifted high! In our world, be lifted high! In our love, be lifted high!”  And I stopped singing because I realized that my Lord is not lifted high in my humor, He is not lifted high in my homework, He is not lifted high in my attitude. He must be high. He demands to be lifted high.

“Like a madman who throws firebrands, arrows, and death is the man who deceives his neighbor and says, “I am only joking!’”  -Proverbs 26:18-19

“Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.”  –Proverbs 19:14

“See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness.”  -Hebrews 3:12-13

Speechless

    Have I mentioned lately that I absolutely love the awakening of spring? All week, (yes even the day we got treacherous downpours of rain) I’ve felt anticipation building up within me, like something in me knows that something big and wonderful is about to happen. The promise of new life, of something so exciting it’s making my bones dance! Even now, we’re going through a cold spell, but as I look out the window, spring is coming! The birds are flying around and singing, the grass is getting greener, the contrast of the bright blue sky and little red berries on the trees is so charming…

    I was talking with my growth group leader and RD last week about how I really feel like my life couldn’t possibly be in a better place than it is now. I go to a college that I absolutely love, I have the most wonderful, godly, encouraging, loving friends that I get to call my brothers and sisters, I get to be an RA of the best hall on campus with the best RD, co, and cluster that I could ask for, I have the BEST family in world with such amazing godly parents that love me so much…I’ve been so blessed with a church family here at school that truly shows what the Body of Christ is supposed to look like, I have the amazing privilege of choosing a leadership team for my hall next year…and oh, those are just the big things that God has been lavishing on me in the past couple of weeks!  It seems like every day I’ve been so overwhelmed with God’s goodness that I seriously don’t know how to handle it!

"And I am speechless, I'm astonished and amazed 
I am silenced by Your wondrous grace 
You have saved me 
You have raised me from the grave 
And I am speechless in Your presence now 
I'm astounded as I consider how 
You have shown us 
A love that leaves us speechless!"

Old school music I know, but it's just been running through my head over and over lately. :)

Well isn't life just a bowl of cantaloupe!

Well I’ve finally gotten to the downward slope of the mountain of assignments, exams, books, papers, and all the other fun things that come with my hundred thousand dollar education. Midterms are this week, but thankfully I only have seven…haha just kidding, I just have ONE! So with the lymphatic system out of the way, I finally have some time to write about everything that the Lord has been doing, and my my, has He been up to some stuff! First, I would like to express my excitement that SPRING IS COMING! Ever so slowly…but it is! The weather is starting to get really crazy, it was 70 degrees a couple of days ago, but today it’s a chilly 33 degrees. I’m just thankful that the sun is up for a couple more hours every day and the walk to the mailroom isn’t too unbearable anymore. There have also been numerous spottings of robins flying about and I am often escorted to my psych class by their cheery morning songs. Mmm, I love those songs and how much they remind me of my Jesus’ new mercies every morning. In other news, I’m in one of those wonderful times when I feel so much like a child of God. (Don’t get me wrong, I do often, but there are just those times when it feels like He spoils me so much!) Allow me to explain. Anyone who is around me for more than five minutes will get to hear how much I love my school. I talk about it ALL the time and I believe my dear friend Elizabeth and I have concluded that “I love Grace College” is the sentence that comes out of my mouth the most. However, to make a long story short, there are a lot of frustrations that I have with the nursing program here. It got to be so frustrating that over Christmas break, I was talking to my parents about the possibility of transferring to another school after this year. It was something that I really didn’t want to do, but was considering. So anyway, I felt like I had these two options, and I didn’t really like either one of them. Oh man…I LOVE it when God has a third option up His sleeve the whole time. I get back to school, and there is this night when I am just stressed to the max. Those days rarely come, but when they do, I’m so thankful for them because they always bring me to my knees and to my Father’s feet. So I have all these things on my head and all these decisions to make, and I’m telling you, as soon as I said amen, Jesus began answering and opening doors. All this to say that Option C was more than perfect (of course!) and I get all four beautiful years here at Grace! Aaaaand that leads me to my next exciting piece of news! For some reason, God has put it in the minds of the Residence Life team that I would make a good RA for next year! WHAT?! I know, it’s ridiculous. It’s so funny, the very same week that I was sitting and eating a bowl of Reese’s Puffs telling Curtis every reason why I could NEVER be an RA was the same week that I found myself sitting in a room being interviewed by the 3 women RDs on campus to be an RA. Ha. God is CRAZY. I can’t WAIT for next year, to be in Indy Hall (The HOUSE, woo!), for my co and RD and I to grow so much closer together, to be so desperately dependent on God every day, to be challenged in a way I’ve never been before, to be a servant to thrity some girls…oh man. :) 

Oh, and on a side note, I'd much more fond of cantaloupe than cherries, thus the revision of the statement. :)

A Most Wonderful Gift!

So for about the past 2 hours I've been trying to find the motivation to listen to a two hour long lecture on cardiac output, and I've discovered that in the time I've wasted, I could be done and fast asleep (wow, do I sound like my mother or what). So, instead of being getting that off my mind, I figured I'd at least do something. I've actually been doing significantly better this semester with self discipline and just being intentional with my time. My schedule is so much more time consuming this semester, but it's been so good for me. It definitely keeps me on top of things...except for lectures on cardiac output. :) 

Well last night, I was reading part of Let Me Be a Woman by Elisabeth Elliot which is a collection of letters that she wrote to her daughter upon the event of her engagement. So often I feel ridiculous thinking about singleness and marriage and stuff, but honestly, when you go to a college like Grace, few other things occupy your mind. Ha, just kidding...kind of... But anyway, there was this section that absolutely just struck my heart:

"But having now spent more than 41 years single, I have learned that it is indeed a gift. Not one I would choose. Not one many women would choose. But we do not choose gifts, remember? We are given them by a divine Giver who knows the end from the beginning, and wants above all else to give us the gift of Himself. It is within the sphere of the circumstances He chooses for us-single, married, widowed-that we receive Him. It is there and nowhere else that He makes Himself known to us. It is there we are allowed to serve Him..."

I've always been thankful for my singleness, because I have the bad habit of thinking that relationships hinder you from growing in your relationships with others (friends, family, God etc), but rarely have I given thanks for it because it is where Jesus has allowed me to serve Him. I also have the bad habit of living in the past and future, wishing I could have gone back and done things differently, and wishing I was at a point that has yet to come. As I learn to serve my Jesus where I am both physically and emotionally, my earnest prayer for all my single friends is that you would do the same. Look at singleness as a wonderful gift, as such a rich opportunity to spend so much time growing in a whole new level with Christ, a place where you are not bound to anything else but your service to Him! :)

Playing Catch-Up

GOODNESS it’s been a while!  Ha, the last time I wrote, I was anxious and excited about going home, and curled up here on my favorite, most comfy chair at home (where I’ve been for the past two weeks) with a piping hot cup of coffee, I’m getting anxious and excited to go back to school…well, getting there. :) So! I need to play catch up on this busy, crazy, and EXCITING past month and a half! I'd also like to say that I'm trying really hard to put pictures up on here, but it's just messing up like crazy and I'm so frustrated I'm about to sin...so I apologize for this long, pictureless post. :)

So, after feeling like I was the ONLY person at Grace that didn’t get to go home all semester, Curtis and I FINALLY got to go home for Thanksgiving.  It was SO good to be back home with my sweet family for some short, but wonderful and much needed rest and good food… I would never know how much I would wish for it in the coming three weeks. When we got back to school, the COLD weather, HEAVY amounts of work, and PRESSURE of finals came, and oh, it CAME. Ugh, I can just remember thinking every day during that last week, “It’s SO close to being over…but it won’t be for so long!!!”  That must have been one of the longest weeks of my life! But soon enough, Curtis and I were once again, rushing out of Winona Lake (this time, on the complete spur of the moment trying to beat the second fold of a huge ice storm) and making haste to White Sulphur Springs! As it always is, the Springs was beautiful, fun, full of food and rest and laughter and smiles and delightful friends. It was so exciting to see faces that I hadn’t seen in FOREVER, and faces that I had seen just that summer but hadn’t heard their voices in forever!

Definitely one of the high points of my break was getting to have the opportunity to catch up with one of my good friends and see how much God has been working in his life. For about the past year and a half to two years, I knew that he had really been struggling with his commitment to Jesus and pretty much just with life. Seeing him every once in a while during that time, he seemed to get worse each time until he hit rock bottom this summer. As we sat and talked, he told me how his life completely changed because this summer was the absolute worst and best period of time in his life. In every area of his life, terrible thing after terrible thing slammed into him one by one; his sister passed away in August, he and his best friend’s friendship blew up and they no longer talk, his youth pastor left his church, he was forced to stay at his school for an extra semester, his foster sister’s dad took her away, making the hope that his family would soon adopt her impossible…I mean there was quite a list. And then he began to talk with the most overwhelmingly evident joy about the point where he knew he needed to make the conscious, definite decision about who he was going to live for, what that meant, and how he was going to do it. He talked about how Jesus was teaching him all over again what it meant to be a Christian, how absolutely difficult it was, but how Jesus completely filled him and made him new again. Later that night I dissolved into tears as I watched and listened to him sing, “Your Love is Strong” by Jon Foreman at the top of his lungs during family hour. I’m so thankful that the Lord would let me see such an example of who He is and what He does to claim back His own.  

The Springs brought another beautiful Christmas with my family, wonderful talks, sweet trips to Hebrews, downtown Bedford, and Little Barn, Christmas caroling, lucrative amounts of square dancing, surprise engagements, ringing in the new year by sharing Scripture with three of my favorite girls, a crazy trip across the border to go bowling in Cumberland, and the traditional lunch at Jean Bonnet on the last day.

But the fun didn’t stop when we went home to North Carolina! As always, going home means home cooked meals by the best cook in the world (don’t even try to argue with me), LOTS of games with the fam, hanging out with my sister, talks with my mom, and surgery! Ha! A couple of days after we got home, I got to get all six of my wisdom teeth taken out which led to a REALLY sore back and mouth the next day, LOTS of meds, lots of slurred speech and lots of applesauce and soup and…applesauce and soup! I still can’t talk or eat like I used to, but hopefully it won’t last too much longer. I finally got to experience a full yawn the other day…one that I didn’t have to stop because I couldn’t open my mouth that wide!

I keep trying to soak in these last moments of rest, these last opportunities for walks and talks, for curling up in a chair and journaling, for 2 hour naps in the middle of the day, for reading books that I’m not required to write a paper on, for hanging out with my siblings, for home cooked meals…all the while trying to prepare my mind to get back to writing papers and waking up at 6 and studying for exams and negative 14 degree weather and mentally preparing myself to be challenged in every way... and then I start thinking about chapel and my prayer class and seeing my friends and growing and changing and learning, and I get really excited! So, it’s a roller coaster in my mind…trying to prepare myself for ACTION, and setting my hope FULLY on the grace that will be brought to me at the revelation of Jesus Christ! Ahh! I’m just so excited to see what the Lord is going to do this semester! :)